All posts by blueskychaser
Calculations
So you said to me once you were good at maths and when the time comes to choose different paths you’d rely on calculations to get you through, but awe doesn’t equal deficiency in you. There is no logic to the heart and how it makes us act, how it pumps the flow of uncertainty to distort fact. How it spurns you or decides only by impulse and makes the truly genuine appear false. How hurt comes from a once contented place, like an ugly curse from a beautiful face, and the voice of reason becomes too hard to hear, surroundings are out of focus far or near. No energy to accomplish most simple tasks. Your former self lost in the shadow it casts, and try as you might you won’t figure it out because every choice is coated in doubt. In time you’ll be able to step back and see the full picture and what it lacks. No filter, no enhancing, no tint, no gloss, just the fragile negative of loss and no matter what figures you multiply it won’t subtract from the goodbye it won’t divide the root of pain because love is a zero sum gain.
For Claire…
All I know is life is a constant fight
That somedays you think you’re losing
A wound heals then another comes to light
With a dull ache from the bruising
And when you believe you’ve had all you can take
You’re thrown into another downpour
There’s no shield, no shelter, no escape
As you’re drenched to the core
If you climb you lose your grip
You stand broken and motionless
And feel your stability slip
With nowhere to run from distress
And the tears can’t even fall
Because the dam might collapse
And no one hears your call
Between relentless thunder claps
No one can see clearly in a storm
No one can take the right path
But as fast as the dark clouds form
They break and they pass
Every storm has to end
Clearing the air to breathe
I’ll be standing there my friend
To rescue and retrieve
What you can’t control you ride out
And what you can you embrace
The world has enough self doubt
Let’s retain our grace
Making happy moments live forever
Remove lonely from the equation
By riding this storm together
Peace of mind is our creation
Even though we wish we could
No one can stop you feeling pain
So breathe deep pull up your hood
And step out into the rain.
Fading out – First draft
I am the last embers of a forest fire
I fade out amongst the destruction
I am the black ice on your tyre
Spinning you into each obstruction
I am the bubble in your IV drip
Stealing your last breath
I am the pavement crack as you trip
Bones shattered concrete death
I am the rusty knife in your side
Twisting like a corkscrew
I am the lion that ate your pride
Chewing self-esteem sinew
I am the darkness of the night
Leaving you blind with no direction
I am your resident parasite
Veins filled with my infection
I am judge and jury in your trial
Tightly sealing your fate
I am the siren set to beguile
Drawing you to hell’s gate
I am the wound that’ll never heal
Weakening every part of you
I am pain you’ll always feel
Tortured by the residue
I am buckled tracks beneath your train
Throwing you off course
I am the needle in your vein
Draining from the source
I am the gun that got misfired
Left you reeling on the floor
Or
Am I just the girl who loved you and got tired
And couldn’t give anymore
The Things They Knew – Part Two
The Things They Knew
Part Two
She knew that under his ear, his scent was sincere
and she could rest, on his chest, in distress
She knew the crease of his palms, and the folds of his arms
created a force field, or shield protecting those to be healed
She knew no glances were stolen, they were given whole from the soul
She knew his laughter fell like a blanket from old age, and cold days
warming her like a fire’s glow, or guiding light back in from the night
She knew her words resonated, he related, then created
their own private dictionary, containing unitary vocabulary
She knew the sensation of natural fusion, was the only solution
to bring the two halves back to one when the seams came undone
She knew that every film ended with the same, bleary eyed game
of coaxing her from the sofa to rest in bed, and no matter what was said
the comfort of his lap would offer a more deep and restful sleep
She knew outside of his comfort zone was bare feet in sand, but with her hand
he would be led from beach to beach, chasing sunsets, releasing regrets
She knew the sound of his handbrake, and how many seconds it would take
to the door to welcome him inside, and watch his stress subside
with the curl of her smile, and she knew the days with growing delays
She knew when the tiredness took residence, followed by a hesitance
to show the remains of his affection, and that rejection became projection
She knew that look of his was a code, once solved might explode
bursting the seams of the all the unspoken, leaving them broken
She knew their patience was finite, and the fuse quick to ignite
She knew she wore her doubt on her sleeve and no attempt to deceive
would convince him she was credible or hold back the inevitable,
She knew the lump in her throat was a dam with a thirst to burst
She knew the pain in her chest was a confession needing expression
She knew the ache in her head was guilt, over time built
She knew the crack in his heart was hers from the start
She knew she didn’t know how they got here or how to get back.
The Things They Knew – Part One
The things they knew
Part One
He knew that smile, that face, that embrace
that dent behind her knee cap, gently stroked, provoked
a reaction so strong it would ignite, a play fight
where no doubt he would end up hurt, in the dirt
He knew his fingers were a comb, she would succumb, come undone
each strand of hair, never unruly, flowed, as her body slowed
and each breathless delay released the weight of the day.
He knew the curve of her hips, her lips, her fingertips
seeking newly found marks on his skin, to skim
He knew another unfinished drink, lining the sink
Her jacket hanging on the seat, her cold feet
tucked into him, any slot, or warm spot
Her kitchen dance moves playful, graceful
so far from comparison with his own, two feet, to the beat
Her metered tone when anger flared, if he dared
embark on the pain of being out of sorts, distraught
Her footsteps beneath the trees, the rustle of her keys,
followed by his name, spoken once again, laying her claim
He knew the weight of her frown, every trip into town
was avoidance of returning, he knew her yearning
for more of what life could give her, and deliver
adventures where he no longer ventured, indentured
to his role and duty, still shining with recognisable beauty
He knew but not for her, and as they talked, the path he walked
turned from hers and he knew she could not hear him, or steer him
He knew that all his resistance only created more distance
He knew which tears he dried, which ones he supplied
He knew her distracted tone, longing to be alone
Her life so disconnected, and his so affected
He knew he didn’t know her anymore
Easy come easy go
He said his money just goes…as soon as he gets it
the high slips to low,…and soon he regrets it
He’s got no electric, no food,…no contingency
No one to lift his mood…or offer consistency
There’s no reservoir…No magic words spoken
He fell so hard and so far,…now he’s broken
and the tears come easy… wiping out energy
and the fears bring that disease…called lethargy
Consumerist cycle is perpetual. … Buy. Want more. Buy more.
Resisting proves ineffectual, … an instinct embedded to the core
He is clinging to the bottom rung… of the wealth disparity
and he’d give his right lung… for some clarity
the government tells him… hard work brings rewards
then constantly fails him, … taxing all he affords
So you didn’t go to Eton… or get lined up for Oxbridge
your hopes are beaten… of holding privilege
of being heard… or influencing policies
left to unpick the blurred… line between truth and fallacies
which we are fed …by each politician
until your political head… is in remission
we fall into pace… with every other commuter
just to face …another day at a computer,
phone, counter, factory line, … [insert other dreamless job]
not chosen by design… but keeps gas on the hob
until we reach pension …and we can gather our earnings
and put life on suspension… and follow our yearnings
but poor health comes through… being poor
dream retirement view… of the hospital floor
And widens the distance… between the haves and have nots
From kensington existence… to the fruit machine slots
From private healthcare… to foodbank reliance
Residing in Mayfair… to gang alliance
There’s no direct route… from dickens to disney
And the boredom to boot… will keep you in misery
He has low level literacy… and low level aspiration
What’s lacked in competency, … gained in perspiration
The drug dealer life… is looking appealing
Or the edge of the knife… or noose from the ceiling
With each breath… he asks what’s the point of living
When you are bereft …from constant giving
if you believe… what you read in the daily mail
Those who receive… benefits cause this country to fail
Not the taxing… loopholes found by the wealthy
With legal teams maxing… the chance to be stealthy
And avoid contributing… to the people beneath their feet
shocked by looting… when they are the looting elite
Only they don’t use… a bandit mask or swag bag
Or prison blues …and an electronic tag
They use donations, … transactions and handshakes
Influencing inflation, … and who gets tax breaks
Behind every politician… is a word from their sponsor
process of attrition… by thieves among honour
We fill our prisons… with victims of fate
And leave all decisions… to criminals of state
A plan so ridiculous… they get away with the lot
Details meticulous, … a Wes Anderson plot
As they pull the wool… right over our eyes
Spinning a yarn full… of deception and lies
The strongest regime… of control is a class system
Split a country at the seam, … ignite the divide within them
Suffocating any attempt …to reform build and grow
Burying the signs of contempt… deep below
As welfare crashes… and past policies rescind
They scatter the ashes… of hope in the wind
And this current joke… we call democracy
Is more like a bespoke… Cameron autocracy
Table for one
An apology, 18 years late.
By the 3rd time you asked me out for a drink
I couldn’t think,
I’d used up my last excuse, I found it too hard to refuse
so you picked me up at eight. We headed straight
into town, to down, a few gins, and so it begins
…it could have been the air that night, but something didn’t feel right, you had no insight, I felt nothing ignite.
In truth my mind was fixed on another, possible lover, who was at the time in some other
bar not too far…away.
His smile made me feel wild.
And yours…defiled.
So I told you I needed to use the pay phone, left you and the stars all alone, said I’d be right back, but I didn’t look back as I slipped away, with not one heartbeat delay
straight into the arms, charms and eager palms of him.
When I thought about you since, I wince
and wonder how long you waited. And it might be belated
but sometimes I imagine you wept while the bartender swept and you kept
the bar mat from beneath my glass and clung to it as you pass
girl upon girl refusing to commit, afraid to admit,
that your heart is unfixable
but we had only known each other a few weeks so that kinda reeks…of insincerity.
Maybe you stayed and your imagination played
a scenario again and again on repeat so you rose to your feet and winded the guy on the right who took flight
knocking the bloke by the bar with the scar
that you gave him after you had a quick spar.
You nutted the dude by the door, he hit the floor
then with a heroic swirl you stole the heart of his girl
and left, without feeling bereft.
Maybe it gave you time to think, and not sink
into depression but find your aggression
to tackle life head on and strive on to become something great, like prime minister
or something less sinister
and now you live as a CEO
in a condo
that is bigger than the pub we met in, without forgetting
what the experience gave you and somehow you want to thank me, sincerely
for offering you a new life and a hot wife.
Or maybe you were approached by the M15 because in your situation you were THE representation
of James Bond. Conned by someone you were fond of now ready to channel your hurt into digging up dirt of political foes that’s how it goes. Just what they needed so they pleaded to have you on board. You can now afford
yachts in Monaco but everywhere you go
the Russian’s follow and your life is still kind of hollow
because each girl you have to leave allowing them to believe you will return kinda burns…reminders from your past. You hope the next mission is your last.
Maybe you set the heart blazing of someone amazing and she saw the chance at a glance to slide into my seat and meet
the man of her dreams.
You instantly forgot my existence unable to have any resistance
your hands met and she led
you away to her bed
instead.
You have eight children and a very large dining table, your relationship is stable and you are able…
to save all year for Christmas.
Or maybe you just sat for an hour before the cold made you cower and as the evening grew dank, your heart sank from the humiliation you were feeling and you left to go home, alone to start dealing
with mending your pride, from the inside.
I am so sorry.
Upper Cut *new*
Life doesn’t pull any punches
it hits you square in the jaw
Stomach caves, shoulders hunch
fingers grip the floor
This punch blindsided us all
We fell like dominoes
scattered and left to crawl
Until one of us rose
Together we picked up each other
formed a boundaried space
for everyone to recover
A commonality in each face
processing the same loss
with unique levels of pain
weighing up the real cost
then rebalance and reframe
The impact will never fully heal
leaving a residual bruise
and this feeling we are meant to feel
from a fight we weren’t meant to lose
a fight we hardly knew we were fighting
a fight we thought we’d won
a fight we weren’t inciting
a fight we never begun
against an invisible opponent
that resides deep in the host
clouding the vital component
grows like a seed in rich compost
and there is no light to shine
no patch of blue sky
no cloud with silver lining
to make good when the young die
but between us there is a solidarity
a force of human instinct
to offer one another clarity
to remain closely linked
to hold up anyone who shakes
and find a lost smile
to mend the heart that breaks
and although it will take a while
we can feel sunlight for him
we can keep open ears and eyes
we can fill life to the brim
tell ugly truths and beautiful lies
we can shed tears and breathe deep
we can forgive and release grudges
we can laugh and dream in sleep
and we can roll with the punches.
Aftermath
Zip boots over winter tights
Ignition on. Lights.
Window frosted, steamed inside
Heater on. Eyes dried.
Heads down, collars up
Sipping on a travel cup
Traffic flows, traffic slows
Clouds move as wind blows
Chastised kid lags behind
His face on her mind
Newspaper tucked under arm
Monotonous resigned calm
Shops open, queues file
Small talk, fake smile
Money changes hands
People making plans
Clock in clock out
Choose lunch, check out
2pm stands still
Gazing at the windowsill
People watching people wonder
til rush hour pulls you under
down stream to home
yearning to be alone
empty footfalls empty street
close door wipe feet
deep breath dry cheeks
hours to days days to weeks
futile world spins
another day begins
blue sky chaser 