Calculations

So you said to me once you were good at maths and when the time comes to choose different paths you’d rely on calculations to get you through, but awe doesn’t equal deficiency in you. There is no logic to the heart and how it makes us act, how it pumps the flow of uncertainty to distort fact. How it spurns you or decides only by impulse and makes the truly genuine appear false. How hurt comes from a once contented place, like an ugly curse from a beautiful face, and the voice of reason becomes too hard to hear, surroundings are out of focus far or near. No energy to accomplish most simple tasks. Your former self lost in the shadow it casts, and try as you might you won’t figure it out because every choice is coated in doubt. In time you’ll be able to step back and see the full picture and what it lacks. No filter, no enhancing, no tint, no gloss, just the fragile negative of loss and no matter what figures you multiply it won’t subtract from the goodbye it won’t divide the root of pain because love is a zero sum gain.

For Claire…

All I know is life is a constant fight
That somedays you think you’re losing
A wound heals then another comes to light
With a dull ache from the bruising
And when you believe you’ve had all you can take
You’re thrown into another downpour
There’s no shield, no shelter, no escape
As you’re drenched to the core
If you climb you lose your grip
You stand broken and motionless
And feel your stability slip
With nowhere to run from distress
And the tears can’t even fall
Because the dam might collapse
And no one hears your call
Between relentless thunder claps
No one can see clearly in a storm
No one can take the right path
But as fast as the dark clouds form
They break and they pass
Every storm has to end
Clearing the air to breathe
I’ll be standing there my friend
To rescue and retrieve
What you can’t control you ride out
And what you can you embrace
The world has enough self doubt
Let’s retain our grace
Making happy moments live forever
Remove lonely from the equation
By riding this storm together
Peace of mind is our creation
Even though we wish we could
No one can stop you feeling pain
So breathe deep pull up your hood
And step out into the rain.

Fading out – First draft

 

I am the last embers of a forest fire

I fade out amongst the destruction

I am the black ice on your tyre

Spinning you into each obstruction

I am the bubble in your IV drip

Stealing your last breath

I am the pavement crack as you trip

Bones shattered concrete death

I am the rusty knife in your side

Twisting like a corkscrew

I am the lion that ate your pride

Chewing self-esteem sinew

I am the darkness of the night

Leaving you blind with no direction

I am your resident parasite

Veins filled with my infection

I am judge and jury in your trial

Tightly sealing your fate

I am the siren set to beguile

Drawing you to hell’s gate

I am the wound that’ll never heal

Weakening every part of you

I am pain you’ll always feel

Tortured by the residue

I am buckled tracks beneath your train

Throwing you off course

I am the needle in your vein

Draining from the source

I am the gun that got misfired

Left you reeling on the floor

Or

Am I just the girl who loved you and got tired

And couldn’t give anymore

The Things They Knew – Part Two

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The Things They Knew

Part Two

She knew that under his ear, his scent was sincere

and she could rest, on his chest, in distress

She knew the crease of his palms, and the folds of his arms

created a force field, or shield protecting those to be healed

She knew no glances were stolen, they were given whole from the soul

She knew his laughter fell like a blanket from old age, and cold days

warming her like a fire’s glow, or guiding light back in from the night

She knew her words resonated, he related, then created

their own private dictionary, containing unitary vocabulary

She knew the sensation of natural fusion, was the only solution

to bring the two halves back to one when the seams came undone

She knew that every film ended with the same, bleary eyed game

of coaxing her from the sofa to rest in bed, and no matter what was said

the comfort of his lap would offer a more deep and restful sleep

She knew outside of his comfort zone was bare feet in sand, but with her hand

he would be led from beach to beach, chasing sunsets, releasing regrets

She knew the sound of his handbrake, and how many seconds it would take

to the door to welcome him inside, and watch his stress subside

with the curl of her smile, and she knew the days with growing delays

She knew when the tiredness took residence, followed by a hesitance

to show the remains of his affection, and that rejection became projection

She knew that look of his was a code, once solved might explode

bursting the seams of the all the unspoken, leaving them broken

She knew their patience was finite, and the fuse quick to ignite

She knew she wore her doubt on her sleeve and no attempt to deceive

would convince him she was credible or hold back the inevitable,

She knew the lump in her throat was a dam with a thirst to burst

She knew the pain in her chest was a confession needing expression

She knew the ache in her head was guilt, over time built

She knew the crack in his heart was hers from the start

She knew she didn’t know how they got here or how to get back.

The Things They Knew – Part One

Listen on ReverbNation

The things they knew

Part One

He knew that smile, that face, that embrace

that dent behind her knee cap, gently stroked, provoked

a reaction so strong it would ignite, a play fight

where no doubt he would end up hurt, in the dirt

He knew his fingers were a comb, she would succumb, come undone

each strand of hair, never unruly, flowed, as her body slowed

and each breathless delay released the weight of the day.

He knew the curve of her hips, her lips, her fingertips

seeking newly found marks on his skin, to skim

He knew another unfinished drink, lining the sink

Her jacket hanging on the seat, her cold feet

tucked into him, any slot, or warm spot

Her kitchen dance moves playful, graceful

so far from comparison with his own, two feet, to the beat

Her metered tone when anger flared, if he dared

embark on the pain of being out of sorts, distraught

Her footsteps beneath the trees, the rustle of her keys,

followed by his name, spoken once again, laying her claim

He knew the weight of her frown, every trip into town

was avoidance of returning, he knew her yearning

for more of what life could give her, and deliver

adventures where he no longer ventured, indentured

to his role and duty, still shining with recognisable beauty

He knew but not for her, and as they talked, the path he walked

turned from hers and he knew she could not hear him, or steer him

He knew that all his resistance only created more distance

He knew which tears he dried, which ones he supplied

He knew her distracted tone, longing to be alone

Her life so disconnected, and his so affected

He knew he didn’t know her anymore

Easy come easy go

He said his money just goes…as soon as he gets it
the high slips to low,…and soon he regrets it
He’s got no electric, no food,…no contingency
No one to lift his mood…or offer consistency
There’s no reservoir…No magic words spoken
He fell so hard and so far,…now he’s broken
and the tears come easy… wiping out energy
and the fears bring that disease…called lethargy
Consumerist cycle is perpetual. … Buy. Want more. Buy more.
Resisting proves ineffectual, … an instinct embedded to the core
He is clinging to the bottom rung… of the wealth disparity
and he’d give his right lung… for some clarity
the government tells him… hard work brings rewards
then constantly fails him, … taxing all he affords
So you didn’t go to Eton… or get lined up for Oxbridge
your hopes are beaten… of holding privilege
of being heard… or influencing policies
left to unpick the blurred… line between truth and fallacies
which we are fed …by each politician
until your political head… is in remission
we fall into pace… with every other commuter
just to face …another day at a computer,
phone, counter, factory line, … [insert other dreamless job]
not chosen by design… but keeps gas on the hob
until we reach pension …and we can gather our earnings
and put life on suspension… and follow our yearnings
but poor health comes through… being poor
dream retirement view… of the hospital floor
And widens the distance… between the haves and have nots
From kensington existence… to the fruit machine slots
From private healthcare… to foodbank reliance
Residing in Mayfair… to gang alliance
There’s no direct route… from dickens to disney
And the boredom to boot… will keep you in misery
He has low level literacy… and low level aspiration
What’s lacked in competency, … gained in perspiration
The drug dealer life… is looking appealing
Or the edge of the knife… or noose from the ceiling
With each breath… he asks what’s the point of living
When you are bereft …from constant giving
if you believe… what you read in the daily mail
Those who receive… benefits cause this country to fail
Not the taxing… loopholes found by the wealthy
With legal teams maxing… the chance to be stealthy
And avoid contributing… to the people beneath their feet
shocked by looting… when they are the looting elite
Only they don’t use… a bandit mask or swag bag
Or prison blues …and an electronic tag
They use donations, … transactions and handshakes
Influencing inflation, … and who gets tax breaks
Behind every politician… is a word from their sponsor
process of attrition… by thieves among honour
We fill our prisons… with victims of fate
And leave all decisions… to criminals of state
A plan so ridiculous… they get away with the lot
Details meticulous, … a Wes Anderson plot
As they pull the wool… right over our eyes
Spinning a yarn full… of deception and lies
The strongest regime… of control is a class system
Split a country at the seam, … ignite the divide within them
Suffocating any attempt …to reform build and grow
Burying the signs of contempt… deep below
As welfare crashes… and past policies rescind
They scatter the ashes… of hope in the wind
And this current joke… we call democracy
Is more like a bespoke… Cameron autocracy